One Man's Garbage/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Thank you very much. You'll be glad you tuned in because we have a problem that you can turn into an opportunity. I like that one. Just the opposite of you, eh, harold? (laughing) anyway, we've received notice that we have to clean up the lodge because these collectables on the floors and walls are getting in the way of us getting things like fire insurance, life insurance, and getting from one room to the other. Here's where it goes over the top. Uncle red's giving you the opportunity to buy it. Aren't you thrilled? I thought you might be. He's a born salesman. Watch this, harold. Give us a call. Make an offer. Just dial 555- "c" for collectable, "r" for rarity, "a" for antique, "p" for peculiarity. That's 555-crap. Dial 55... Operators are standing by. 555-crap. Give us a call. Call in now, I guess. No sense putting it off. This stuff will just go like... 555-c.R.A.P. The phone working, harold? I don't hear one. You will in a minute. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): On today's show, garth has a cougar, I'll show you how to make a garbage compacter, edgar has a problem, as usual, with dynamite, and we got recycled gems. That number is 555-272p. (telephone ringing) we have a caller. Where's the phone, harold? It's under the junk, like everything else. Don't hang up. Here we go, here we go! (telephone ringing) what do you want and how much you willing to pay? Huh? They want you, harold. Any offer takes him. Hello, harold green speaking. Oh, yeah, ok. It's the garbage collection agency. I phoned them to come for this stuff. They can't take this. Pardon me, what? You're right -- they're refusing it. Hey, buddy boy, it's my choice whether you can get it. You're garbage men. I say "that's garbage." you get it. Are you starting to grasp the nature of our relationship? Huh? -- Well fine. Don't call back. They hung up on you, didn't they? Right after I said "buddy boy." (laughing) (red): Speaking of buddy boy, here's my buddy boy, especially the boy part. He's going to play frisbee for us today. Yeah, that's exciting, bill. Bill can get a frisbee to do pretty much whatever he wants. Once in a while I can get a frisbee to do what I want. (laughing) all right, they tell me this is the big one, for four hours of aroma therapy at baxter's beanery. Harold, you got around 30 seconds to get dougie franklin to say this word. All right, go. Your monster truck is manly. All right, if it had a muffler, it would be less... Fun? It's fun and macho and masculine and manly because it's... Made in america. (laughing) well, ok, uh, but the engine is... Fully supercharged. Almost out of time here, harold. Oh, ok, all right, remember that time, remember that time, you were peeling out downtown, the streets were on fire. Your radio was cranked up. That's because it was... My birthday. (laughing) this is edgar montrose saying that if you're close enough to hear the dynamite hissing, you're too darn close. ♪ oh, the sun has turned green ♪ ♪ the trees are upside down ♪ ♪ everything is shaking ♪ ♪ while explosions continually pound ♪ ♪ you cower in your bedroll ♪ ♪ afraid you're going to die ♪ ♪ but it isn't the end of the world ♪ ♪ it's just a really impressive hangover ♪ (laughing) now that we've got garbage building up around the lodge faster than it usuly builds up, I'll show you how to make your own garbage compacter using the law of the lever, which isn't "if you don't love her, leave her," or in stinky peterson's case, "if you do love her, leave her." I'll tell you something. A lever is kind of like the mail service. You've got your first, second and third class. Sometimes it doesn't get there at all. Now this here, this is your first class. And then when you set her up like this, like that, that's your second class. And this, I believe, is a third class lever. And this is a fourth class two-by-four. I think I'll leave her. I'm going to use this ladder as a lever in my garbage compacter. To make that work, I have to cut a slot in the side of this oil drum for the ladder to fit into and compress the garbage. To do that, all I need is a hacksaw. You might want to have this side of the drum facing away from the street, 'cause it's not that attractive. Now you load your garbage in there. Make yourself a real high stack because you'll compress this down so thin it will slide under your neighbour's front door. Now you take your ladder and stick it on top of the pile, and line it up so the ladder will go into the slot. All you have to do is apply some downward pressure. Hmm? Harold, is moose thompson around? All right, I'll use the next best thing. (van door opening) (engine starting) there's your garbage compressed to a size that will fill you with pride. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Ok, maybe I didn't quite compress it. I more or less drove it into the ground. This is where we have to revert back to the law of the lever. If you make a mistake... Leave 'er. Buzz lost his plane. I know where to look. You guys are trying to look 20 again. I'm asking as a friend: Stop doing that, all right? You're wearing the snappy clothes, you're exercising, you're dieting, maybe getting yourself a $10 haircut. (laughing) here's a bulletin. It's not working. Stop doing that. I know what you're thinking. You've got a career. You've got a little money. You know how to talk to women. You're a man of the world. Unfortunately, it's taken 25 years, a wife and three kids to get there. Be honest about how old you are. You'll accept it. Stop looking in mirrors and buy pants with elastic waistbands. If that doesn't make you happy, look at a picture of yourself when you were 20. Look at the hair, the shirt, the pants, the shoes. You want to look like that again? I didn't think so? Remember, we're all in this together. Hi, I'm edgar montrose. I'm an expert in explosives. The only way to become an expert is through years of experience and constant experimentation. Let's see, five sticks of dynamite kept it in the air for 60 seconds. Let's try six. I've pulled off a beauty this time. Come on, harold. Now, the stuff was not selling, granted. The garbage men refused to take it. Wait till they see what I throw out for them during carp season. Then I called the waste management people. They wanted to charge me to take this away. But I pulled off a major coup. He's agreed to let them use 10 acres of lodge property as a landfill site. We've got to sort through the garbage, put it in containers. We have to figure out if the lava lamp is animal or mineral. But it's free, harold. We get rid of this stuff and it doesn't cost us a cent. You can't call it a landfill. You have to have it certified, approved, zoned. It's all done, harold. Then 10 acres out back, that's been zoned a public landfill. Public? Public means that anybody can put stuff there. I don't think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Public landfill, just like public beach. That means anybody can use it. Well then, great. That means we'll get people coming to the lodge. Your generation just doesn't get it, do they? Nope -- so far so good. When it comes to safety, no one is more familiar with the legal ramifications than my pal... Buzz sherwood. Man, is nothing sacred any more? No, I don't think so, buzz. Where is your airplane? Somebody ripped it off, man. They violated my dock, my space. Took my one true love. First jerry garcia, now this. Think about it this way. If they flew off in your plane, they probably left a trail of parts. Yeah. So eventually... Eventually, if he flies it long enough, we'll get the whole plane back! (laughing) that would be great! That's good news. Here's a lesson for you. Safety also means security. Yeah, safety, security, they're like that. It's the '90's. It's the '90's, so watch your stuff. It's not the '60's any more where we lived in peace and brotherhood. The big man that ran the government, he didn't like that. So they've turned us against each other. They've got the police, and that's the power, man. We're just droids. Buzz, buzz! What, man? I think I found the plane. My plane! Oh, wow, look how clean it is! You might think about plugging the holes in the pontoons. That's a good idea. And maybe stop flying through the rifle range. Oh yeah, ok, yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's a good idea. Boy, oh boy, this lodge clean-out is working better than anybody expected. We're finding stuff we haven't seen in years. Income tax forms, gum, old man sedgwick's false teeth. Actually, they were with the gum. The lodge seems bigger now. I know it's not. It's the same size. But it feels bigger 'cause the stuff is gone, so bigger. But it seems different, like, spatially. You feel the volume? There's volume in the room. The same, yet different. It's bigger, but smaller. Without being smaller, it's larger. That's the way I feel -- that's me. Your tax dollars are paying for that education, folks. The waste disposal company dumped everything in front 'cause they thought the lodge was the dump. There was a lot of good stuff. I got these slim whitman albums, a toaster that almost works, and there must have been 50 egg cartons. I got a gumby and pokey -- one leg missing. By the time we took the good stuff, there wasn't enough left to fill a wheelbarrow. Another truck's pulling up! We got to make sure they're not throwing out any good junk. If there's any power rangers, call me! Go, go! Oh, hey, man! I'm buzz sherwood. If you get to be a pilot, you can use landmarks like roads and highways to steer your plane. But remember, stay in the passing lane. Otherwise the motorists yell at you. (laughing) for all you handymen who use paintspray cans, there's an arrow on the top that tells you which way the paint will spray. I would advise that you look at that before you start spraying. That's my suggestion anyway. Meanwhile back at the frisbee farm -- oh, thank you, bill. Bill was firing that frisbee around. He knocked the hubcap off. Put the hubcap back on the van. No, the hubcap. Put that on the... That's the... Oh, I see. All right, ok. Well, that's... I'm here, bill. No, bill, I'm here. Ah, all right. Well, you know, you go out there for the exercise. A little afternoon sport. Here you go, bill. Here we go. Hey, nice grab. Throw her back. Chuck it in here, baby. You hear about the violence of the sport, but, to me, it's with good reason. You had it coming, all right? Ok, what are you doing now? That's my hubcap. That was my hubcap. What are you doing? Oh, the garbage can lid. Oh, all right. Oh man, this guy. Ok, throw it in here, bill. No, it's up and... Oh man, oh dear. It's a boomerang-type thing. There you go. What goes around comes around, eh? Put that back on there. What have you got? What is it? What have you got, bill? What the heck? Oh, it's one of those little, what do they call them? The contact lens. Ha-ha! It's a little frisbee to bill. He fires that in there. Let her rip. Let her go. Boy, that is hard to see, coming through the sun. And... I got her! All right. Try that, bill. There you go. Top that one if you can. Oh my gosh, he did. Oh ho ho, by golly. He caught that without his glasses on. Oh, I don't want to watch that. Oh, do that in your own home. Gee. What's that? That's a saw blade. You don't want to be throwing a saw blade. Bill, bill. Oh, bo-bo-bo-bo! Oh! What was that? Look at that. My hat. I got off lucky. A flying saucer the kids use in the winter. You can use them in the summer. Oh, sorry, bill -- look out! It's garbage day! (laughing) bye. Stay tuned -- edgar's at the end of his fuse. This garbage clean-out is working out great. We've salvaged so much stuff. I'm sure we'll get around to finding a use for it. I haven't had this much fun since my dad wore his rude t-shirt to parent-teacher night. There's been 30 loads dumped out front, but still the landfill site is almost empty. Regular recycling plants, they take glass, metal and paper, that's it. We take everything. This is going to make a cool lamp. The guys stand in the laneway waiting for the next load. Most of the stuff they pick off before they get it off the truck. Moose thompson made a greenhouse out of toilet seats. When the sun shines, he flips them all up. Buster hadfield made a couch out of orange rinds. It's an excellent example of recycling, and he'll never have to buy another air freshener. We're thinking of expanding the landfill to include all of lodge property. That way we can take garbage from all over the world. You've got to think internationally. Possum lodge, head office to the world's garbage. That's an exciting vision. Oh yeah, yeah. More exciting if I didn't have a nose. Well, that can be arranged, harold. (explosion) this is edgar montrose. Did you know that fast-burning fuse looks exactly like slow-burning fuse? I didn't. Garth harble here, animal control, with another tip that could save your life, or even your carpeting. Come on in here, red. Laundry day, garth? No, red. Badger day. (mewing) oh, oh, easy there, fella. You got a badger in there? Either that, red, or a very underdone hamburger. (laughing) that's a good one. You know, red, badgers are the punks of the forest. Oh, pure trouble, pure trouble. If you get a badger in your house, say goodbye to anything of value, unless you can trap him in a sack like this. They just freeze up in the dark. (mewing) I think that fella may be thawing out a bit. How did you get him into the bag? I heard an animal crashing around in the basement. I figured that's either a cougar or a badger. Cougars don't come down from the hills, so it had to be a badger. I hung a sack on the basement door. Within a couple of seconds I had myself a badger. He's docile as a kitten now. Oh! Garth, there's been some rumours that cougars have been coming down from the hills and killing cows. No, cougars don't do that. Well, I think maybe they do. Unless... Unless they're rabid. Ok, ok. Oh boy. Another super day. Oh, oh. Ohhh! (red): It doesn't get any better than this. I don't think they can see you, uncle red. Sorry. We've decided to keep the crap and get rid of the insurance. Turns out it was a $200 deductible anyway. We don't get to collect even if the lodge burns to the ground. We'll get anybody who comes here to sign a personal damages waiver. I think it's under the box of flavour straws, harold. Ok. I'll get it later. I don't understand how landfill sites can be filling up. We can't keep our tiny one full. It's amazing what people throw away. Paper, string, a perfectly good chia pet. Acetylene tanks, air conditioners, high-voltage transformers. I guess one man's garbage is another man's potentially hazardous explosion. They say you can judge civilizati by its garbage. I wonder what future archaeologists will say about our civilization. They'll say it was a big one. And it smelled cheesy. (squealing) meeting time, uncle red. You go ahead, harold. If my wife is watching, I'll be home after the meeting. I've picked up something for you. The stains on this lampshade go perfectly with our living room walls. Cheaper than a coat of paint. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, harold, and the gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) (harold): Rise. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (harold): We're having a beer bottle pledge. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. 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